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summer children, we were' by *jonzoiplu:iconjonzoiplu:



ii.

     we carved animals
     from ivory castles
     floating in the sun.  we were
the doting spring mayflies
twisting upon meadows,
          wreathing lilies between
          toes, breathing --

iii.

between the sheets
of golden chaff,
she whispered,   “let’s dance in the rain
                          on the cobblestone streets
                          before the singing rosebud
                          mutes her swollen gown.’
                          :
     past the shivering
        moon we snuck
with shadows tucked
into dreams.  we were
       waltzing toy soldiers,
       our peace-broken holsters
       licking the finger-drawn creases.
                          :
             her humid words lingered
             against my pallid cheeks.
                  
iv.

over breakfast she spilled
her warm cherry wine
and the tablecloth sea bled.  
                           ‘hell hath no fury
                            for the dead,’ she wept,
                           ‘look, love
                            it snows --

i.

strangers, we were
             :
       our lost nets crossed
over a butterfly.  i caught
the swallowtail, she,
                 my heart

clumsily, we exchanged
names --
               i, orpheus;
               she, persephone
Creative Commons License
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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconjonzoiplu:

Author's Comments

between the numbers,
the seasons fall.

Daily Deviation

Given 2007-01-22

summer children, we were' by ~jonzoiplu is a charming, metaphor-rich love poem. (Featured by `PoeticWar)

Critiques


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Comments


love 2 2 joy 2 2 wow 2 2 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconvso:
Heh...always with the love, and the youth...wish I had that many ideas about it. I'm not a very romantic person, I guess. If I loved a girl right now, I would probably tell her "I love you" after a lot of crawdads, wine, and swimming...and it wouldn't be a poem, obviously. It would be along the lines of "I luv yoush....*pass out*.."

--
Call me what you will-mine is not the name that counts.
:yoda: When 900 years old you reach, look this good you will not. :yoda:
"And if you really wanna eat butterfrees then do so but not when i'm looking."
--
ø¤º°`°º¤ø
,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,
°º¤ø,¸¸,
:iconjonzoiplu:
'tis only a memento of the innocence of youth.

--
let's go play on a baggage carousel
:iconvso:
Which some of us lost long ago...Though, if by innocence of youth, you mean stupidity and *immaturity*, I still have a plenty of that!

--
Call me what you will-mine is not the name that counts.
:yoda: When 900 years old you reach, look this good you will not. :yoda:
"And if you really wanna eat butterfrees then do so but not when i'm looking."
--
ø¤º°`°º¤ø
,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,
°º¤ø,¸¸,
:iconstarsdie:
beautiful

(as always)
:iconjonzoiplu:
you're so kind :blush:

--
let's go play on a baggage carousel
:iconthairosebud:
Mmm very beautiful Jon, one of my favourites from your work. The imagery is lovely.

Just a few thoughts:
'her warm cherry wine
and the tablecloth sea bled.'

Personally I don't like the 'sea' in there so much, doesn't really fit with the scene I imagine in my head. Perhaps 'and the tablecloth's folds bled'? Not sure. Perhaps I'm just missing the significance of the use of sea, which is possible.

I wasn't really expecting the ending, and to me....it seemed not clumsy, but perhaps not as in tune with the rest of the poem as it could have been. Personally I liked the anonymity of the childhood, the way you could relate to the characters. Perhaps it's just the associations I have with Orpheus and Persephone that don't seem to make this fit as well. *shrugs* I'm not great on my Greek mythology.

Also, why do you chose not to capitlize? I've noticed that, not just in your poetry, but in general. :P Just curious!

--
</silence>
:iconstarsdie:
pff, you give me reasons [:
:iconalyryianis:
simply beautiful, simply romantically beautiful.

--
Stop bitching, start a revolution.
:iconjonzoiplu:
the wine spills into the sea, and what is above the sea (other than seagulls and aeroplanes and supermen)? that 'something' is a metaphor, for our lovely persephone, whose tears fall like rain (what a cliche) *hinthint*. maybe i'm too convoluted (and pretentious :#1:). then, there are other classical mythological allusions i refer to, but i refrain (because i like that word ;p). i just used lots of (parentheses)

really? i thought the ending was a quasi-vital wrap-up/epiphany, ie. their identities explain everything. then again, i assume a lot when i allude to mythology.

because i'm not the shifty type of guy. :paranoid:

[thanks :)]

--
let's go play on a baggage carousel
:iconjonzoiplu:
:bow: like someone i know? ;p

(thanks for the fav)

--
let's go play on a baggage carousel

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January 17, 2007
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